Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together