Did you alter my vestibular apparatus?! Because I keep falling over for you!
What do cows sing at their friend’s birthday parties?
“Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo!"
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?
The xylobone.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.”
- Paul Reiser.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
What did the snail say as he slipped down the wall? How slime flies!
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
Snow thank you.
What do you call ten arctic hares hopping backward through the snow?
A receding hare line.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
He threw three free throws.
My son was injected with poisoned blood from a person from Finland
He said "I am finnished."
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
What kind of materials do dinosaurs use for the floor of their homes? Rep Tiles
What do you get when you cross a strict school teacher with a vampire?
Lots of blood tests.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
"I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it."
— George Carlin
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
What do you call a group of crows flying over a couple?
A murder over love.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What is a favorite game for ghouls?
Chase!