Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is an extremely rare dish order.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
How do you call a straw used for drinking orangeade?
Fantastick.
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
I have a high shelf in my kitchen to store meat. It’s safe to say...
The steaks are high.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
What do you call a very sad cup of coffee?
A depresso.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it