What do you call a European Bigfoot?
Bigmeter.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What do you call a bee that lives in America? USB
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why did Harry Potter throw away all his old potions?
They were past their hexpiration date!
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims