Your

What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
Stop saying your life is a joke.
A joke has meaning.
Your parents are the greatest comedians in the world.
They made a joke decades ago and we're all still laughing at it.
You're so ugly after the doctor cut your cord he hung himself with it.
You have so many pimples blind people find your face a fascinating read.
You're so ugly when your wife takes you to the beach they ask her what she used for bait.
You're so ugly in your family album they only keep the negatives.
You're so ugly when you were a baby your mother breastfed you through a straw.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.