Split Jokes

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
We should make like your parents and split.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.
We should make like the Soviet Union and split up.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
Two bananas married without realising they were from the same tree.
They really split over it. It was a really slippery ordeal and peeled them apart.
Let’s make like a banana and split.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
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