Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
“When in doubt, yoga it out.” – Unknown
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Getting lucked up on St. Patrick’s Day.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
"There is no worse tyranny than to force a man to pay for what he does not want merely because you think it would be good for him."
- Robert A. Heinlein
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did the farmer decide not to buy an extra phone? It was because he already had one for onion rings.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
“The household cat is really a tiger that has underwent three counselling programs.”
- Valeriu Butulescu.
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
Did the dinosaur take a bath ? Why, is there one missing?
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
The investigative journalist said that he would reveal all the in-cider information this fall.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
"Back that glass up."
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
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