Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Nice pumpkins!
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.
Please don't make fun of my re-seeding hare line.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
There once was a man named Brice,
Who had a nasty head full lice.
He said, If I eat them,
Then I'll have beat them!
And besides they taste very nice.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What did the generous mole say when people crashed his party?
The mole the merrier
I love you so much that If you were suddenly on fire, I'd pee on you.
The temperature can only go up from here.
What shape is a kiss?
A-lip-tickle.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Say it ain’t snow.
Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
My breakfast today,
bacon, eggs, and ice water.
I feel so healthy.
What do you get when you run behind a car?
Exhausted!
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
I General Lee do not find punny history jokes about the Civil War funny.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Why shouldn’t you grab a werewolf by its tail?
It might be the werewolf’s tail but it could be the end of you!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
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