What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie
What’s a snake’s strongest subject in school?
Hiss-tory.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
Dad: "Knock, knock!" Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
A gorilla starts off his day by going to his car
When he gets to his car, he notices hes missing something. He walks back in his house, and asks his wife "Have you seen monkeys?"
Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What do you call a turkey's evil twin?
A Gobblegänger.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
If you see a deer without antlers acting crazy, don’t eat it without cooking it first.
Everyone knows you can’t eat raw kooky doe.
Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
“It said concentrate.”
“She says you’re not awake until you’re actually out of bed and standing up.”
– Richelle Mead
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Damn.
Let me kiss you.
(Unknown)
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I think my heart just lagged.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook."
— Julia Child
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
Nice Ass-teroid.
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