Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
What do fruit bowls say when they dress up as a ghost on Halloween? Be cherry afraid!
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
Don't get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
The Tsar Bomba, the most powerful nuclear explosive in recorded history, has an output of 57 megatons of TNT
And that pales in comparison to how much of a bombshell you are.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
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