"The best part of waking up is still a mystery to me."
— Uknown

What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.

Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."

What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!

“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry

Why didn't the two worms get on Noah's Ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go on in pairs.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.

What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.

It's time to be like a kit-kat and split up.

Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."

What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus

Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.

Are you a star? Because you are twinkling at the party.

The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

- Joan Crawford

How did the horse solve a murder?
Compiled newspaper clippings.

What is a dog’s favorite hobby?
Collecting fleas.

"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz

I love driving my car, makes me feel like I'm charge of a big boat
especially when it's on cruise control

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

I lost my memory after getting hit on the head by a boomerang.
It's all coming back to me now.

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.

A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.

What is the preferred shampoo brand of truck drivers?
Lorry-el

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.

I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!

What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.

What do you call people who go to space? Icetronauts.

Today I be-leaf in leprechauns

I bet you’re Ethan better in person

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.

Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.

“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers

There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.

You’re a perfect ten(t).

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?
She wanted to lay it on the line.

What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.

What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.

I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.