What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
It's lit.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
Thomas A. Edison
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George? 2 Fast 2 Curious
Pugs and kisses.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Why should the Sun get into a school? To get brighter.
Want to go for a ride?
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
You're like an SSRI. It only makes sense when you are with me.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
"Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse."
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
A weed is a plant that is not only in the wrong place but intends to stay.”
— Sara Stein
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
I love you for all the goofy things you do
I love you even when you don’t know the lyrics to our favorite song
I love you even when you snort when laugh
I love you just the way you are
This is why they say love is blind
(Anonymous)
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
"How do you compare apples and oranges?
By their nutritional value."
- Marshall Elizer
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
Let's play a game called TV, I turn your knobs and you watch my antennae rise.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
I have known you quite a while,
When you talk, you make me smile.
A special friend, I will probably keep,
If you buy me a cool jeep.
It’s your birthday, I nearly forgot,
Searched on-line, bought you squat.
Hope you don’t turn all bitter,
Since you’ve never been a quitter.
I nearly quit, writing this verse,
Mind is blank, it’s a curse,
Soon your party will be here,
If I wake up, I’ll surely appear.
(Martin Dejnicki)
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
Did you hear about the battery and the volleyball who got into a fight? The volleyball is waiting to go to church and the battery was charged.
Go to BabaMail
