Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.
What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
Time to spruce things up.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
"I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits. he other two are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves"
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What should you name a crow with soft down feathers? Microwsoft.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
What did the conifer say when he finally got alone with his crush? It’s just yew and me, baby.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
My scientist wife decided to test the hypothesis that more intercourse would improve our marriage. It's already been a week, and I've concluded...
that I'm in the control group.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
Frost bite.
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