Do you know karate cause your body is kickin'.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Where does a bee use the bathroom?
BP
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” — Peter Drucker
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...
`It was his weather vein.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
But it's hard to say...
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
"If it's meant to be it's meant to be....but just to be clear it isn't."
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
How did the raindrop ask another raindrop on a date?
He asked her “Water you doing tonight?”
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
"Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
― Margaret Mead
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
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