Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
How will you have communion in the space if you won’t have mass?
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
They log off.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
Diving into shallow water could lead to jumping to wrong conclusions.
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”—Michelle Obama
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Working as a dock hand is hard,
but it's wharf it.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I’m going green, if you know what I mean.
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
"What an egg-citing day."
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
"I want to live in the world where searching for plane tickets burns calories."
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!
Why did the artist use the bathroom? Because she was consta-painted.
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
The dog didn’t want to play soccer because it was a boxer.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
Unicycle? Girl! How about U-‘n’-I cycle?
Who should drive home out of the two friends?
The one who is not tired.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
Why are skeletons so good at chopping down trees?
They're LUMBARjacks!
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Q. Which Greek eggplant dish do deer really eat up?
A. Moose-aka.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I’m sorry if I made you feel awkward, I just want to have dinner with you.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
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