What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
“Driving at night is about communicating with lights.”
— Lukhman Pambra
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards
I'm sure that must have been a record.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why wouldn’t the ghost eat liver? He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
There was a Young Lady of Tyre,
Who swept the loud chords of a lyre;
At the sound of each sweep
She enraptured the deep,
And enchanted the city of Tyre.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
You’re a perfect ten(t).
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you’re hot!
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Count Duckula.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Why was there lightning and thunder in the lab?
The scientists were brainstorming.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
I can be your travel pillow.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
Why was the doctor’s favorite patient a cat? Because she has nine lives!
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
What did the painter say to the wall? Another crack like that and I'll have to plaster you!
Dang girl, are you an angel? Because you are dead to me.
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