I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
I cannoli have eyes for you.
I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
I bet you’re really flexible.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Water you doing?
“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Ommmm... let's meet up in our spirit form.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
The plural of mango should be changed to mengo
Are you an exception? I bet I can catch you.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin.
I told him I'd gourd it with my life.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
How do you throw a space party? You planet.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
Dark-colored huskies found in Colorado can also be termed as dusky huskies!
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
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