Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
A man showed up for a duel armed only with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
Are you a doughnut? Because I find you a-dough-rable.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
“Your basic extended family today includes your ex-husband or ex-wife, your ex’s new mate, your new mate, possibly your new mate’s ex and any new mate that your new mate’s ex has acquired.”
- Delia Ephron
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
"I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide."
- Jerry Seinfeld
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
I didn’t plan on specializing, but you seem pretty special to me.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
“Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.”
Rebecca Romijn
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
I took one Luca at you and I honestly couldn’t resist
My magical watch says you aren’t wearing any panties. Oh, you are? It must be an hour fast!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
“Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.”
Chris Rock
Can’t pinch this.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Girl, you are the spark that lights my fire.
---
Come on, I’ll give you a tour of my tent...
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."
What type of dog doesn’t bark?
A hush puppy.
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
Go to BabaMail
