Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise

Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.

Nothing really mattress.

Why won’t crocodiles attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy!

Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”

What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.

What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.

What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.

After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

"Great minds drink alike."

What did Darth Vader tell the geologist?
May the quartz be with you!

Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"

What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?

Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.

What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!

What did the dough say after half an hour in the oven?
I’m bready.

Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.

Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.

Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.

Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum

What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.

The favourite day of the week for wolves is moonday.

Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.

Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings

I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.

I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.

I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.

What do you give prisoners for dessert? Jaily-Beans.

Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.

What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?

When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

What’s the difference between a Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

"I am allergic to stupidity, so I break out in sarcasm."
Anonymous

Can I be your next varietal?

I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.

You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.

"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?

"Since I was Lidl."

Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.

What do you can a kangaroo covered in tape?
Hopscotch

“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf

I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!

What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.