What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
It's easier to prepare meals with this new cookware-wolf.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
Did you hear about the negative nelly who hates German sausage?
He always fears the wurst.
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Where do horses get their mane cut?
The hair-dressager.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
How one snowman greets the other one?
Ice to meet you.
Girl, want to watch me play? I never miss the target.
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I wasn’t sure if I ordered enough tacos from Taco Bell.
So I got a just in quesadilla.
What Do You Call A Clever Duck?
A wise quacker
You must be one spicy dish because you're making my heart burn.
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
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