Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
I’m soy into you.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Cows get sad whenever they hear the songs of the pop band 'The Mooooo-dy Blues!'
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
You must be related to Nikola Tesla because you're electrifying.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...
It’s so hot I almost called my ex so I could be around something shady.
Why wasn’t the pig chosen in the football/soccer team?
It was a ball hogger.
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
How can you tell a blonde has used your computer? There is white out on the screen.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Belize me, baby, I will Peru'v my love for you at any Cost.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
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