Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
You must be Portuguese because I could Lisbon to that accent all night long.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Why did the lion cross the road? Because he saw a zebra-crossing...
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
What is a pirate’s favorite’s fish?
A pirates favorite fish is a swordfish!
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
A group of crows placed evenly between two margins is definitely a justified murder.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
You’re such an adventure, let me explore you.
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
"The closer you are to nature the further you are from idiots.”
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
I’m sure wherever my dad is he’s looking down on us… he’s not dead… just very condescending.
Jack Whitehall
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
Apparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROME.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
It’s worth a shot.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Its easier than walking!
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