The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
Will the Red Wings be able to replace their venerable captain Steve? No, because
when it comes to hockey smarts there is no Yzer man.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Is it hot in here, or is that just the Holy Spirit burning in you?
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
You know what they say? Words.
There’s this corn on the cob stand that I really like, but it started making ads
They were really corny.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Why do Minotaurs make terrible detectives?
Because they hate to go on steak-outs!
Do you like free samples?
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What’s the difference between me and your socks? I’m not yours anymore.
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
“Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.” — Ambrose Bierce
What is the only animal smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee!
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?
Hard cheese!
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Excuse me, is your name Grace?
Because you're amazing!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
A man goes to the eye doctor.
He sits down and the receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" to which the man replies, "No, just spots."
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite drink?
A juice pouch.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
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