How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
I watched an eclipse through my colander, now I’ve strained my eyes.
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
How do Greek gods say sorry to one another
"I Apollo-gise"
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
What’s a pig’s favorite holiday? Ar-boar Day.
My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.
If Princess Toad looked liked you, I would have killed Bowser years ago.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Why does James Bond Have grey hair?
Because there's no time to dye!
Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.
What kind of music are balloons afraid of? Pop Music.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Q. What did the doe say to the louse on her new baby fawn?
A. Gosh deer nit!
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Why didn’t the skeleton scare the trick-or-treaters on Halloween?
He didn’t have the heart.
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”
“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
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