Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
"Exclamation!"
I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!
They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!
It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!
Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!
As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?
(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)
– Fiona Halliday
I'm doing yoga tonight but I rather be doing you.
“My Week is like: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Blink, Monday.”
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
Easter dinner was great today
We made sure it had all the crucifixins'.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Some people like to play croc-quet.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
Ice cream trucks are pretty hardy, but they will break down if they drive over the rocky road.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What did the Indian boy say to his parent before going into self isolation?
Mumbai.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
What do you call a pig who does karate?
A pork chop.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Do you know what kind of stock to use when making neotropical near-passerine bird soup?
Doesnt matter, as long as you put Toucans in.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two, but it has to be a really BIG light bulb.
I'm having mixed feelings about being a Michael Jackson impersonator.
On one hand, you get to wear a cool white glove.
On the other hand, you don't.
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
Irish I had better jokes.
Want to get some air? You took my breath away!
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Hi, Santa said you wished for me. Good choice.
Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
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