Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pitbull.
Overheard on a bus... What do you call a social hermit crab?
Just a crab.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
I was blinded by your beauty...
I’m going to need your name and phone number for insurance purposes.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
If I was a chessboard, I'd be lucky to have a queen like you.
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ken.
Ken who?
Ken I come in?
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Why is it always quiet in the forest? Because all of the trees sleep like a dog.
What did the cat say when something bad happened? That’s un-fur-tunate!
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
How does the cell phone call his girlfriend on Valentine's Day? He gives her a ring.
"You bake me crazy."
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
“Money may not buy happiness, but I’d rather cry in a Jaguar than on a bus.”
– Francoise Sagan
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
What does a house wear?
Address.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Me without you is like the Easter egg hunt without the Easter Eggs.
"Eggs love you."
Fir sure.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
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