Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.

How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.

A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted

Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.

When finally the encyclopedia on mushrooms was out, it was given the title ‘A Fungi-de to the Mushrooms’.

I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.

"Half the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them." - Martin H. Fischer

“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody

What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.

"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”

- Gracie Allen

What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"

Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

You have been running through my mind all day.

Why can’t a Christmas tree sew? It keeps dropping its needles.

I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.

Finally, the soccer ball decided to quit the team. The reason behind its move was that it was tied of being kicked around.

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef, but you cant pea soup!
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A.A Milne

The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.

“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.”—Erma Bombeck

I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

Did you hear about the guy who killed a group of catholic crows?
It was Mass murder

Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.

My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.

Someone vandalized my keyboard leaving only 1 button.
Surprisingly, the police were more thorough in the investigation than I expected. They even asked to see my colon.

What do you call a baby lion on lettuce?
Cub Salad.

Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.

Pirates Private Property.

Engineers like to Solve Problems but...
If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.

You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!

Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.

Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
– Rita Rudner

Ever wonder what's happening under Orion's belt?

What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

Q: How does a butcher keep his tent up in a strong winds?
A: With steaks!

How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.