Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
In on the ground flora.
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
“Anywhere is walking distance if you have got the time.”
Steven Wright
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
People say nothing rhymes with orange. It seems very strange to me.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."
— Kevin James
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What’s the first thing a musician says at work?
“Would you like fries with that?”
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
To the person who stole my glasses...
I will find you... I have good contacts!
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
“The best things in life are free, but sooner or later the government will find a way to tax them.”
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