Why’s it always hot after a football game?
All the fans left.
Why do Italians love cooking?
It’s their national pasta-time
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
"A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers."
— Jay Leno
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
On scale of one to 10, you’re a poutine.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?
She had power and time but didn't get the work done.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
“A road trip is a way for the whole family to spend time together and annoy each other in interesting new places.”
– Tom Lichtenheld
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Summer is just floating by.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Your love is like vodka. You’re worth the chase.
How do knights communicate?
They use chain mail.
Flute players provide some cheap trills.
Did you hear about the urologist who became an aerospace engineer?
He developed an incontinental ballistic missile.
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
How about you and I form a binary system?
Something tells me we'd make great travel partners.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
No one likes sausage puns, they are the wurst!
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
You can forget about winning, princess. Because even Cinderella can’t get to this ball.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
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