What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What kind of bed does a mermaid sleep in? A water
The expiration date says "best if used by tonight." Can I make you dinner?
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
What type of music should you play at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Sham-rock!
How do you make a dinosaur float? Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer, and add one dinosaur.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.
They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.
Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.
He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .
That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.
- Diane Lefebvre
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
Why was Frankenstein’s monster always being arrested?
He was so easy to charge.
Who’s a llama’s favorite actor?
Al Pacacino.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Young man, the secret of my success is that at an early age I discovered I was not God. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What do you call royal pineapple? Your pine-ness.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
I have faith in Pfizer and its Covid vaccine, because they also make Viagra.
If Pfizer can raise the dead, it can save the living.
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
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