"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"
In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
I got shampoo in my eyes while showering today.
My husband said, "That must've been an eye-soapening experience."
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
"Luck is a dividend of sweat. The more you sweat, the luckier you get."
~ Ray Kroc
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Why do pigs make awful football players?
They don’t like playing with the “pig skin.”
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Why did the optimistic electrician lose his job?
He kept on turning negatives into positives.
What's the Difference Between Mechanical & Civil Engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
What do sloths throw in winter? Slowballs.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
What did the right hemisphere say to the left hemisphere when they could not agree on anything?
Let's split.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
The artist thought she was all that and pen some.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
If anyone says you’re a 10/10, they are lying, you’re an Ella-ven
My space ship is ready. Wanna ride?
Which Star Wars character was the orange cast for?
Emperor Pulpatine.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
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