This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
Are you an orphanage? Cause I wanna give you kids.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
The Scotland football team went to visit an orphanage in Kazakhstan this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible"
said Anatoly, aged 6.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Why couldn’t the pig tie his shoelaces? He was too ham-fisted.
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
- Fred Allen
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what can you make out of a banana?
Slippers!
"You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but fourteen years later you’re married to a couch that burps." - Roseanne Barr
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Tis the sea-sun.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
You’re so beautiful even the leaves fall for you.
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
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