They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Your eyes look like dark black holes, buI can't help but to be drawn in.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court …
The game would be cancelled.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
Q. What do you call a gorilla who studies large primates and has great grades?
A. Ape lust student.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!
Q: What does a dentist do during an earthquake?
A: She braces herself!
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
"I’m so poor I can’t pay attention." ~ Ron Kittle
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
Today, my arm got pinned between my wife's chest and the chair.
It was booby trapped.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
How do geologists like to relax?
In rocking chairs, of course!
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
"When we put vegetables up for the winter, we use jars, but we call it canning. I find that jarring. And uncanny."
– Greg Tamblyn
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
What do skiers get if they sit in the snow for too long?
Polaroids!
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
"Are you a witch because you sure got me spellbound."
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Wine Connoisser Point to Ponder: Did Marilyn drink Merlot?
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