You know those silly hacker movies where they're hacking so hard they type on two keyboards at once?
Such blatant stereo-typing
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
"Don’t stay in bed unless you make money in bed." ~ George Burns
The medieval ages were technologically advanced. Take, for example, the guillotine, it was such cutting-edge technology.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
"Yesterday I read the horoscope and it was written:" Born of Gemini will be happy in 2018. "I was very sad that I didn't have a twin."
Why did the barber win the race? Because he took a short cut.
Bananas
an underappreciated fruit
sentenced to banananality
because yellow
is their long suit.
(Mary Oliver Rotman)
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
“A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter.” – Patricia Briggs
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
When you cross a wolf and a monkey, you end up with a howler monkey.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
Go to BabaMail
