Finally put up the Christmas tree...
It really spruced up the room.
What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?
Oh Sheet
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Every piece of you is sweet.
Turtles communicate with each other through shell phones.
You're just my cup of tea!
What is a pink bird's favorite kind of dance? Flamenco.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
It was quite dangerous for messengers back in the medieval era.
They often had to wear mail armor.
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.
I highly encourage you to have more brain farts
It develops mental fartitude.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Your name is insert name here?
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
Did you know that the blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court…
The game would be cancelled.
We went to a fancy dress party
With a Haloween theme
There was me and my girlfriend
And her twin sister Irene
However after a drink or two
Alcohol caused a bit of a hitch
As with twin witches I couldn't
Tell which witch was which
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
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