A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
Love at frost sight!
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
What do you call a zombie with lots of kids?
A mom-ster.
What does a skunk’s car run on?
Fumes.
What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.
“In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat.”
- Anna Quindlen
I can't stand Greek salads.
I like un-feta'd access to my greens.
I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm
"Love thy neighbor—and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier." - Mae West
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
My love for you simply radiates.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What would you call a dream where a koala bear is eating you? A bite-mare.
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
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