Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.
If you were born and raised in France, what does that make you?
French bred.
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”
Mark Twain
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
What did the mommy dolphin do when her son was an hour late for dinner?
She flipped out!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for Fresh Prints!
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
Q: Why did the wind turbine blush?
A. It broke wind.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
There's snow place like the mountains in winter.
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.
“If you are not killing plants, you are not really stretching yourself as a gardener.”
— J.C. Raulston
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
When is the course too wet to play golf?
When your golf cart capsizes.
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
“I love you from head to mistletoe.”
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Go to BabaMail
