I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
I'm on a hunt - for your number.
What did the deer say to his sulky friend?
“Buck up!”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
What is known as the world's wettest animal? Rain-deer.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Why don't you reach in and grab some popcorn?
Do you like whales? Cause I was thinking that we could "humpback" at my place.
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
— Unknown
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark, you still seem to shine.
What do you call a fraternity member who likes to drink the blood of goats?
A chupacabro.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
A honey bee lands on a flower but is quickly kicked off by the spider living there. Perturbed, he flies away and lands on a different flower...
It was a cross pollination.
When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
Long thyme no see.
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Aside from being single, what do you do for a living?
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
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