“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
“You dropped your kid off a changing table? Stuff just happens, okay? Last week, my kid ate a cigarette. I caught him playing in the dryer yesterday. I picked up the wrong baby from daycare. I found my baby swimming in the toilet. No judging.”
- 'What To Expect When You Are Expecting'.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”
The boy leaf confessed to the girl leaf that he was fall-ing in love with her.
"Being on vacation with my family has brought me so much closer to my iPad."
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Why should you never marry someone that likes collecting weird coins?
They have no common cents.
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Angels could fly, but I didn't know they could run.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Why was King Arthur’s army too tired to fight?
All of those sleepless knights.
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
“Never let your friends be lonely…. Disturb them all the time.”
— Unknown
Why did Saint Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
They were causing mass hiss-teria!
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
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