I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.

Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.

I'm fondue you, it's true

A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.

If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"

"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy

What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.

"Time to wine down."

This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.

Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.

There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.

There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.

As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.

Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!

(Ilene Bauer)

When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him!

“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”

- Guy Endore-Kaiser.

Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!

There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!

You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.

Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.

The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.

My wife left a note on the fridge, saying, "This isn't working. Goodbye."
I opened it and it works fine.

What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.

How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.

“We live by the Golden Rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~Buzzie Bavasi

“Every mile is two in winter.”

I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.

The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.

There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"

Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?

"Scorpios are powerful creatures who demand equally potent cocktails."
— Aliza Kelly

Where do the monkeys melt their cheese?
Under the gorilla.

Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.

Which is the longest word in the dictionary? "Smiles", because there is a mile between each "s"!

What do mountain climbers share around the campfire?
Goat Stories!

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!

Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Les
Les who?
Les go out for a picnic!

Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."

Is your name Ariel? Because I think we mermaid for each other.

When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.

Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.

Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.