"Romantic love is a mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." – Fran Lebowitz
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
I just finished the Mona Lisa made from vegetables. It's a masterpeas.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
"My idea of camping is falling asleep on the couch with the window open."
- Clarke Kant
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
“Today’s good mood is sponsored by yoga.” – Unknown
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson
Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
"I love love, and I’m very hopeful and was raised on all the fairy tales everyone else had. I just noted that everyone’s mom was dead and real princesses get beheaded, so I just have a more realistic take on it."
- Amy Schumer
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving? A turkey!
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
This summer is going swimmingly.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
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