“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you, and you're being chase by a lion.
What do you do?
Get your drunk butt off the carousel.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
“They say that there can never be two snowflakes that are exactly alike, but has anyone checked lately?”
– Terry Pratchett
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
How many wipes does it take to clean a keyboard?
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What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?
A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Their engagement is yet to be made offishell.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
Fancy a climb? Mount me in.
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
What did the mother bread tell her baby roll? You really are the apple of my rye.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
You really flipturn me on.
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
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