Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
Football is one habit I will never kick.
Whose music do elves like the most?
Elf-is Presley.
What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic. -- Doris Egan
“Elves are always defending the shape of their ears. They make some good points.”
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Are you a dollar bill? Because you’re single.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
"How Not to Have to Dry the Dishes"
If you have to dry the dishes
(Such an awful, boring chore)
If you have to dry the dishes
(‘Stead of going to the store)
If you have to dry the dishes
And you drop one on the floor—
Maybe they won’t let you
Dry the dishes anymore.
– Shel Silverstein
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
Dave Barry
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
My fridge is hotter than you.
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Girl you are rocking this run.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Baby, you remind me of my spice cabinet - cuz you got a fine grind going on.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
I'll neck ya like Hawko necks a beer!
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
“Let’s begin by taking a smallish nap or two.”
– A. A. Milne (Winnie the Pooh)
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
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