Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
Are you bad WiFi?
Because I'm feeling no connection here.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
Dud you know Astronauts said steaks are better in space?
They're a little meteor.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year. He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
Your beauty is blinding.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Girls just wanna have sun.
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
There's something wrong with my phone. It doesn't have your number in it.
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
St. Patrick’s Day makes me Spring to life.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What is a Ghost’s favourite treat? Ice-scream floats.
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Hey Anthony, methinks Antho-Need your number
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
On his deathbed, my granddad said to me, "Remember these two words. They'll open a lot of doors for you in life."
"Push and pull."
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
Why don’t cows drink artificial milk? It’s too pow-dairy.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
I like you, you croc my world.
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