“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
Why don’t elephants like to ride on trains? Because they hate leaving their trunks in the baggage car.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles
Why did Moses cross the Red Sea?
To get to the other side.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
Son: I was really Hungary and I ate the whole Turkey. There is only Greece left.
Me: I couldn’t Bolivia!
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
You are the square to my root.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
Why do we love wine puns?
Because they're grape!
"It's wine o'clock."
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
You're like fireworks: smokin' hot, fun, and radiant.
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Watched a TV show about how they build ships.
It was riveting.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
“The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist!”
– Russell Baker
My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
Allow me to synapse with you, and we shall store the most wonderful of memories.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees, and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
Heard Russia has the vaccine to Coronavirus. I'm probably not Putin that into my body.
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