Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.

Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp

I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.

What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!

“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld

If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!

What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

(Amos Russel Wells)

What’s the difference between hot potato and a flying pig? One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

Whatever floats your goat.

After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.

Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!

How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!

Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

Rhys watched Ross switch his Irish wristwatch for a Swiss wristwatch.

The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.

What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.

Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.

“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns

Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.

What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!

What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.

Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.

Girl, your skin is so smooth, and you smell good just like some new shoes.

What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!

What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo

What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!

Is that an energy bar in your pocket, or are you just happpy to see me?

Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.

If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you

"Warning... I'm exercising, eating right and watching my alcohol intake... which means I'm sober, I'm cranky and I'm sore, so proceed with caution!"

What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!

Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.

How did the octopuses win the football match?
Ten tackles

Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.

“I rob banks because that’s where the money is.” Willie Sutton.

Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

"Nobody expects to trust his body much after the age of fifty." - Alexander Hamilton

Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.

What birds like to write?
Penguins!