How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.

You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.

"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."

The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”

What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.

I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

Hey did you know you can’t spell Dreamy without Amy?

I wood never leaf you.

Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.

Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.

What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.

“Dear Monday, I want to break up. I’m seeing Tuesday and dreaming about Friday. Sincerely, it’s not me, it’s you.”

The pirate steals arrrrt when he has the chance.

What did the unicorn tell the bag of beans? U-no-corn.

Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.

Case in punt

When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.

The depressing thing about tennis is
I will never be as good as a wall.

Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.

Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.

Sheena leads, Sheila needs.

Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!

Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!

Silly sheep weep and sleep.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

Baby you be the tree and I'll wrap around you like a koala bear.

What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.

How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.

What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan

Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous

I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.

What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.

Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.

How does a vampire keep fit?
Batminton.

Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.

A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."

Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.

When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.

I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.

How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.

If I was an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.