How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
I sued the airport authorities because they misplaced my belongings
I lost the case
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Why are alligator comedians so funny?
Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
My love for you simply radiates.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
Reading sun puns while sunbathing make one well red.
There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun
All other vampires pale in comparison.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
I saw a fruit running from the police recently
It was a water felon.
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
I want to read you from cover to cover.
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What was Peppa Pig's family doing on Thanksgiving?
They were bacon stuff.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
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