My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
Why didn't the mummy have any friends? Because he was too wrapped up in himself.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline
What did the motivational speaker say?
Don’t take life for granite.
I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a doctor advised me to take the candles off first.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Ya gotta check it out. My water bed is full of beer.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Permission to board?
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”
What did the teacher say when he could not get into his car?
‘Oh no, I have lost my Kias!’
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.
I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
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