“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
What is as big as a steam locomotive, but weighs nothing? Its shadow.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
You can't ever get the attention of a vampire on Halloween. They're way too busy looking for their necks victim.
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
How big is a clown's hard drive?
50 GiggleBytes
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I painted a picture of my cat’s feet today.
You could say it was a paw-trait.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Do you squat here often?
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
The skeleton was scared of going skiing, he didn’t want to wrist it.
Girl, you are so fine, I had to upgrade my graphics card just to admire your pictures.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
If it weren’t for the summer sun, you’d be the hottest thing ever created.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
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