Why did the bowlegged cowboy get fired?
Because he couldn't keep his calves together!
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
What do you call a rabbit that has fleas?
Bugs bunny.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
I goat this.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
I was on the road yesterday with my metal detector looking for some cutlery....
I found plenty of spoons and knives but I didn't stop, until I hit a fork in the road.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
What's the most common sleeping position of a man? Around. What does a penis and an ego have in common? All men have one!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Which building do vampires always visit when in New York?
The Vampire State Building.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Watson: Holmes, What kind of rock is this?
Holmes: Sedimentary, my dear Watson.
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....
I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
The first time I saw your hiking boots, I knew we were sole-mates.
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